“Are you going to have another baby?”

None of your bloody business.

Ends.

Jokes. I don’t actually mind if people ask me that question (asking doesn’t necessarily get an answer mind!). But that’s me, generally I don’t think it should be up there in your top 3 conversation starters with people. I saw someone post the other day “what the hells it got to do with you if I’m shagging to try and make a baby”. It’s a very good point.

Two things I don’t like about that particular question…

Am I going to have another baby? I don’t know. I can try, that doesn’t mean I’m going to have one. Before having Robyn I was really worried it would take us ages to get pregnant. But I was one of those annoying people who it happened really quickly for, both times. I remember feeling lucky, but I didn’t really know how lucky I was. Since Marty my eyes have been well and truly opened to how many people it doesn’t ‘just happen’ for. Maybe a bit too opened to be honest.

Another baby? This sounds too much like I’d be trying to replace Marty. Another - like the last one didn’t work out so well so let’s have another go to make up for it. I’ve decided to make this sound better for myself by changing it to ‘a third baby’.

Are we going to try for a third baby?

Not long after Marty was born I remember saying to Mark “I don’t think I can do this again”. And I meant it. Now I think that sounds bloody awful, why was I even thinking about that so soon?! But I guess your mind just doesn’t know where it should be going. And I think this was at a point when I couldn’t believe Marty stood any chance of surviving. Whatever the reason for me thinking about it, I couldn’t contemplate going through an experience like that again.

The guilt. After he died, whenever I thought about whether we’d have another baby, the guilt leapt in. I don’t want to replace him, or forget about him.

The fear. I know it’s pretty unlikely that we’d end up in the same position a second time but putting yourself into anything like that again - trying and not getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, something being wrong with the baby. Any of that could absolutely crush us.

Would we be constantly on edge, worrying that something was going to go wrong? Through pregnancy, labour, right up until they could physically tell us they were ok!

I haven’t thought this one through properly yet but there is also something for me about making sure my children don’t live in Marty’s shadow.

Then I think about why we had Marty. We thrived on getting no sleep. No, not that…we wanted a bigger family, we wanted Robyn to have a sibling. And those things still stand.

I think back to that Saturday, that moment the four of us had together. How much love was there in that room, and what it would feel like to have that again.

I watch Robyn look after her ‘babies’, often to a questionable standard I admit, but god she would have loved more time with Marty. And she’d love a real life baby now to put to bed, push in the pram and occasionally boss around.

A consultant we saw when we got back to Cardiff told me that most couples who lose a baby are pregnant again really quickly, I don’t know how accurate that is. But she basically told us to just get on with it and start trying again straight away, like that’ll fix everything. Off you pop. I didn’t appreciate that ‘advice’. It’s a big decision.

So an actual answer to the question then? Sorry but I’m not intending to share if or when I’ll be “shagging to try and make a baby.”

(Big apology to all the family members for the shagging. Said it again)

📸Summer 2020, so fresh faced. A socially distanced walk with friends while pregnant with our lockdown baby.